the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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