What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
