My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
