i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize