The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I love having hate sex.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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