I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
