Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
wanna go halves on a baby?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
