I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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