I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
