I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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