so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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