Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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