Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
