While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
