a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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