he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
