she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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