woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize