mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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