Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
