ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
i now understand why vodka
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
