I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
