I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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