my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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