What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
