The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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