after a month anything with tits is on the radar
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Randomize
