He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I am midnight drunk by noon
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Randomize
