I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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