and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
