i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize