How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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