i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
