there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
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