If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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