your thong is hanging out like whoa
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
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