You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
