I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
