I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
