I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
