and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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