tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
