Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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