I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Randomize
