I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
