Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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