I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
The best revenge is premature balding
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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