well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
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