You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
