What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
