Your tits are I can't wait for
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
