i barfeds in our rink
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
