I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
