Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
that may or may not have been my penis.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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