So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
