yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize