R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
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