Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
there's paper in my vomit.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
