the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
