just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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