I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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