I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize