I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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