what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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