sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize