Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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