you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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